Gone but not Forgotten
by Sonochu
Summary: Bastila's worst fear came to fruition in the worst place possible and she had no on to blame but herself.


Bastila let out a sigh as she sat back in the copilot's chair of the Ebon Hawk, staring out at the stars as they streaked by. The chair wasn't the most comfortable, with its leather worn and foundation falling apart, but anything beat the confined suit she had to wear during her time underwater on Manaan. And even the recycled air within the Ebon Hawk was a blessing compared to the fishy smell she had to put up with for weeks during the group's stay. Shutting her eyes, she let the atmosphere of the ship lull her into a state of relaxation.

"I think I hate this Revan person."

It came off as a seemingly innocuous comment and the woman sitting in the pilot's chair tried to play it as just that, fiddling around with a digitally rendered map of Kashyyk, their next destination, on the ship's navicomputer, acting like there wasn't a care in the world and it was business as usual. But Bastila didn't need the force bond they shared to know that the comment was anything but that.

A quick probe of the girl's mind proved her initial assessment correct. It was abuzz with conflicting emotions: some happy, some sad, most of them fearful. Such a cacophony of emotions should not have come from someone halfheartedly playing with a navicomputer. No, something major was eating away at her mind, causing all those intense emotions, and Bastila had a good idea what it was.

As a young Apprentice in the Jedi Order, Bastila would oftentimes mourn the loss of her old life and cry out to her parents. When that happened, her master, dogmatic to the end, would recite pieces of the Jedi Code verbatim. "There is no emotion; there is peace," he would say. During their first missions together, he'd go one step further. "Fear of what is to come will only lead to the Dark Side." Being young and with little knowledge of what the Dark Side of the Force even was, those words only frightened her even more. Whenever the girl in front of Bastila hit a wall in her training, Bastila would use such adages to guide her, but they seemed to only annoy the girl instead of helping, Because of this, she chose a different option.

After a few moments of silence, Bastila replied, her voice calm and controlled, "Well Darth Revan was a Sith Lord who killed hundreds of millions of people. It is only common to feel some anger towards him."

Despite the Jedi Code, Bastila knew dozens of Jedi, many of them Knights and Masters, who were very vocal in their hatred of Darth Revan. It was an unspoken truth that Darth Revan and Malak were beings that could truly be hated by the Jedi without any trepidation. It didn't help that the Jedi Council often turned a blind eye towards those they caught vocalizing such hatred. So an ordinary Padawan expressing such views as the girl in front of her did wouldn't even raise an eyebrow for Bastila.

A spike of nervous trepidation shot up through their force bond as the girl drew one of her hands away from the navicomputer to rest on the hilt of her lightsaber beside her, an action that was so out of the ordinary and worrisome that Bastila found herself reaching for her saberstaff as well.

"Please don't," Revan spoke, a rigidity in her tone that showed the first physical sign of something being wrong. Whatever façade she was trying to hold wasn't going to last long. She gestured to her lightsaber. "I just need it to placate my mind, nothing more." Taking a breath, she continued, "Though based on your actions I'm guessing you already have some idea on what I'm going to say next." Bastila wasn't sure what to say, so she remained silent. Finally, the girl said what was on her mind. "I'm Revan, aren't I?"

Any instinctual desire to draw her saberstaff was stubbornly ignored by Bastila. Such a move would only get her, and probably everyone else, killed. The cramped confines of the Ebon Hawk's cockpit left little room to maneuver. Her use of the saberstaff only worsened her situation. If it came down to blows, Revan could cut her down before Bastila had the opportunity to safely activate her lightsaber. That fact meant that Bastila's worst fear had come true, and she was wholly unprepared to handle it. Of the nearly two months that they've been looking for the maps to the Star Forge, she had been terrified of the prospect of Darth Revan's memories coming back.

She would admit that she was somewhat naïve and inexperienced for a Jedi, but even she knew how much Darth Revan hated them, and that hatred would only be compounded when she learned of her false memories. As one of three Jedi aboard the Ebon Hawk, as well as the Jedi that ended up capturing Darth Revan, she knew her life was all but forfeit as soon as the Sith Lord's memories returned.

Onboard the _Vengeance_ Bastila had to watch as a half dozen Jedi Knights and Masters were brutally and efficiently slaughtered by Revan's crimson and violet lightsabers. She watched as two Jedi Masters, experts in at least two different forms of lightsaber combat, were defeated quickly due to the unpredictable and aggressive strokes from Revan's mastery of the seventh form of lightsaber combat. The whole scene only reinforced how weak she truly was. Her skills weren't even strong enough for her to have been able to effectively support her fellow Jedi in battle, yet they too were mere bumps on the road for Darth Revan. It was only thanks to Malak's betrayal that Bastila herself was able to escape.

A small part of her had wished to leave Darth Revan to rot onboard that ship. With her being the sole survivor onboard the bridge, no one had to know that she had the opportunity to save the Dark Lord. Let people think that Malak's betrayal went flawlessly. And, heck, she was sure that some Jedi like Master Vrook -who utterly despised Revan after her betrayal- would've done just that. In what her masters would later tie to her naivety though, she couldn't bring herself to ignore a dying person.

When it all came down to it, the Jedi served as a force of good for the galaxy. Without them, the galaxy would be a much worse place. Staring down at Revan's cracked mask, Bastila didn't see an evil Sith Lord ready to massacre millions, but a lonely, scared woman who let her fears overwhelm her and the Dark Side corrupt her.

The Masters of the Jedi Council on Dantooine believed that their wiping of Revan's memories had been absolute. The smuggler turned conscripted soldier which took her place would have no ability to access her memories outside of the Star Forge because the memories simply did not exist. Bastila was never so willing to write the possibility off though. Darth Revan ventured into unknown territory and accessed forbidden Sith knowledge. It was not outside the realm of possibility that she knew of a way to protect herself. In Bastila's heart, she believed it was inevitable that Revan would acquire her memories, no matter what the Council said. And that's when her nightmares started.

Frozen and face paling, Bastila could only utter a weak "How?"

Revan lifted her eyes off the console, looking at her with downcast eyes and a slight frown, all the burdens she faced pressing down on her shoulders. It reminded Bastila of Revan's weakened state after Malak's betrayal, not the indomitable Dark Lord she once was. "I've suspected something was up for some time. The dreams I've been getting have just felt so real, so lifelike. I'm not sure how much of my dreams you're able to see, but I can feel Revan's -er, my- emotions in them. The cold satisfaction running through my mind when I cut through all the Jedi sent to capture me on board the _Vengeance_, the rage and disgust after your rather arrogant proclamation, I felt it all."

"Then there were more hints," she continued, "The special preference I've been given by the Jedi Council, Master Vrook's -and to a lesser degree the rest of the council's- wary disposition of me, our force bond, my affinity for the lightsaber and the Force. It all came to a head when we got the Star Map on Kashyyk though. The computer there, it knew who I was."

Alerting the Jedi Council was the first thought Bastila had. Her second was spent weighing her odds of survival from this encounter. She knew she wasn't qualified enough to handle the safeguarding of Revan's identity without proper support. She vehemently argued against the council's plan. Well as vehemently as any Padawan could argue before the Jedi High Council. But they insisted they she was ready. They said it could only be her. Now she wished she was even more firm in her rejection. At least then this mission would've been in more capable hands. "And so I guess you're furious at the council, furious at me, for what they – we – did to you, right?" Bastila's grip on her lightsaber tightened and she braced herself for the expected answer.

Revan blinked rapidly at her with wide eyes, clearly taken aback by the suggestion. "What? No, I'm grateful for what you all did," she waved her arms around as if to emphasize her point, but her rapid movements only caused BastiIa to tense up before her words finally reached her.

"I might not remember everything about my past, but I can tell from my dreams that I was not in a good place as a Lord of the Sith. My mind was constantly full of hate, anger, and fear, and I only had one goal: conquer the Republic. I'm not sure why, but I can tell you that every thought I had, every action I took was to further that purpose." Her eyes grew distant, and what was once a small frown had grown into a scowl. "I was never happy, only scared. And I think I became corrupted by the Dark Side because of it. All the deaths I've caused, all the cities I've razed, slavers I let thrive. Whatever threat I was afraid of couldn't have been worse than the destruction I've caused."

Her scowl slowly changed into a tentative smile, and a spark was relit in her eye. "All the adventures we've been on since and friends I've met, though? I'm happy for every day I get to be aboard the Ebon Hawk, every day I get to play a game of Pazaak with Mission, every day I get to hang out with you and Carth.

"So no, I'm not upset with what happened to my memories if anything I'm thankful." As if to prove her point, warmth spread from their shared force bond, soothing any rampant thoughts from Bastila. Little by little, her eyes too softened, and she let go of her saberstaff.

"I have come to consider you a friend as well, new identity or no," She admitted. "And I'm truly sorry for how much you've had to suffer to get here. In truth, you and everyone on the Ebon Hawk are the only friends I have, that I ever had."

"No need to be so stiff, Basty" Revan teased lightheadedly with the nickname she knew got on her nerves. "I get what you're saying, and I'm sure the rest of the crew would appreciate your sentiments as well."

The two fell silent for a bit, watching the stars through the Ebon Hawk's window before Revan spoke up again. "But what happens when I get all my memories back again? I don't think I even want them back."

An immature part of Bastila agreed with her. She didn't want Revan to get her memories back either. It was a cruel thing to think, she knew, but Revan was fine the way she was. Bastila didn't want to lose her first and closest friend due to something uncontrollable that happened in the past. And she was afraid that would be the most likely outcome outside of a lightsaber through her gut when Revan finally got all her memories back.

The more experienced side of her knew that the status quo could not last forever. Revan's mind was not in equilibrium. Whether they wanted to or not, Revan would get her memories back, they both had to come to terms with that. If Revan couldn't come to terms with it and let fear rule her again, she would only doom herself in the end. And that was what Bastila feared most of all: The Dark Side once again corrupting Revan, except this time never letting go.

It took all her courage to speak up. "I think you need to search your mind and try to locate these memories as best you can. Darth Revan is you, whether you want her to be or not. You have to accept that fact. Treating these memories as some outside entity, some villain, isn't healthy. You must've had a reason for all the fear in your life. Once you learn what it is, accept the fear for what it is, don't dwell on it, and, if it becomes too overwhelming, come to me. I promise I'll do everything I can to help you."

Revan took a breath of air, nodding along to Bastila. "Yeah, I - I know. I'm just scared of meeting myself, I guess. Heh, who would've guessed I'd be the Big Bad Sith Lord, am I right?" An awkward chuckle rang out. Bastila wished she could have laughed along with her -if only to alleviate the girl's nerves- yet she found herself unable. After watching firsthand as Revan butchered so many Jedi, it was hard to make light of her dark past. "Anyway," Revan continued. "I'm going to go to my room and meditate, see about looking into my mind and stuff." With an awkward shuffle, she passed by Bastila and out the cockpit.

Alone once more, Bastila wasn't sure that she handled the situation correctly. Maybe she should've gotten Jolee instead. As much as he was an enigma to her, he seemed to have made peace with the Force and his experience would've been much appreciated. Bastila didn't want to fail her, not again.

As much as Bastila tried to get Revan to make peace with her past self, Bastila wasn't sure she'd ever make sense of Darth Revan. During her time as an Apprentice in the order, Revan and her Revanchists were treated as heroes. No one dared speak of them in front of the Jedi Council at the training academy, but behind closed doors, they were a frequent conversation topic. At first, the claims of war atrocities committed by the Republic, particularly Revan's Revanchists, were dismissed as anti-war propaganda. Revan with her salvaged Mandalorian mask became a symbol of resistance for the Republic at large. Obviously she'd be the target of libel. After the destruction of Malachor V though, there could be no doubt. Something in her, and the Revanchists at large, had changed during the war. The Jedi High Council on Coruscant demanded the Revanchists report for an emergency session before the council, but soon after the declaration was made, Revan's fleet simply disappeared into the Unknown Regions.

Still, no one was sure what happened to Revan and her fleet, only that years later she appeared with a much larger fleet and simultaneously attacked three major ports on the Republic's Outer Rim, proclaiming herself to be a Sith Lord. Watching the newscasts over the holonet, Bastila's heart shattered as all her fears had been confirmed. What was once one of her favorite heroes had betrayed everything she stood for.

The news only got worse from there. Dozens of Outer Rim worlds, still hailing Revan as a hero for her deeds against the Mandalorians, quickly seceded from the Republic and declared themselves members of Revan's new empire. The ensuing war led to hundreds of millions, possibly billions, of casualties, and entire worlds left decimated by Revan's fleets. By the time of Darth Revan's capture, the entire Outer Rim had been thrown under Revan's thumb, and the Mid Rim was quickly capitulating too.

In the end, the Jedi High Council was proven right. The Jedi were not prepared for the Mandalorian Wars. In her attempts to save the Republic, Revan only doomed it further. Yet in all this, Revan's goals were initially pure-hearted, were they not? Bastila liked to think so, at least. If she hadn't been a measly Apprentice, would she had followed Revan and picked up the Revanchist cause? Was it right? Still, Bastila didn't know.

Seeing all the death and destruction Revan has caused, Bastila wanted to say no, her crusade was much worse than the Mandalorians. At the same time, she couldn't ignore that the Republic was initially losing to the Mandalorians, and losing badly. Ugh, how can something that started so justifiably end so tragically?

Revan was a fool; she was a fool; The Jedi Council were fools. In the end, everyone failed each other. And because of this, both the Jedi and the Republic were but fragments of what they once were.

Unfortunately, the destruction these failings caused, the Jedi that Revan and her followers brutally cut down, would forever cement themselves in her memory, traumatizing her in her sleep. Every time she walked through the empty halls of the Jedi Enclave, she felt this pain.

And yet, Revan was no more. The girl in her place couldn't be blamed for actions she didn't even remember, actions from when she went down another past. While Revan slaughtered dozens of Jedi, the girl in her place had done everything she could to protect the ideals of the Republic and stop the Sith. The girl in her place was not a threat to Bastila and was equally terrified of her memories resurfacing as she was.

Bastila would probably never understand Revan, not as she was anyway, and the memories would probably never heal fully, but she couldn't let them keep her down. Not for her, and not for Revan herself. And if she had to believe in Revan and trust that she wouldn't make the same mistakes again, that she could find peace with her memories, Bastila could do that.

In the end, Revan was found exactly where she said she'd be, silently meditating on her bunk, away from everyone else. Knowing her presence was already felt, Bastila waited a few moments for her to come out of her trance before she spoke. "I was wondering if you'd be willing to spar against me. I've never been able to spar with a Juyo master before."

"Sure!" she happily agreed, a lot more at peace than she had been earlier. Perhaps Bastila had been able to help after all, in her own minor way. "Though I can't say I actually remember the basis for it. It's all muscle memory and such, ya know?" she chuckled a little and Bastila found herself releasing a little snort of her own.

* * *

**I thought about giving memory-less Revan a name in this, but eventually I decided against it. Call it a small experiment if you will.**


End file.
